Be aware of this. I had a lucky escape.
I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked
me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in and that
was the end of that.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky
Warning New Scam
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Fred Woogle
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Dr. kitteny berk
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mrbobbins
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Pfft, JOKE THREAD!
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers will scream too late and we're gonna get killed!"
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers will scream too late and we're gonna get killed!"
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Dr. kitteny berk
- Morbo
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A woman visits her doctor complaing of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states; "Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time." "Am I pregnant? That is wonderful news." "No, you have bowel cancer."
"Mummy" said the baby camel. "Why have we got big flat feet?"
So that we can walk across the sand easier when we're trekking in the desert," she replied.
"And why do we have such thick hides?" he continued.
"That's to protect us from the desert's fierce sun," she answered.
"But why have we got such long eyelashes?"
"That's to protect our eyes against sandstorms."
"So mum, what the fuck are we doing in Bristol zoo?"
"Mummy" said the baby camel. "Why have we got big flat feet?"
So that we can walk across the sand easier when we're trekking in the desert," she replied.
"And why do we have such thick hides?" he continued.
"That's to protect us from the desert's fierce sun," she answered.
"But why have we got such long eyelashes?"
"That's to protect our eyes against sandstorms."
"So mum, what the fuck are we doing in Bristol zoo?"
Last edited by Dr. kitteny berk on January 26th, 2007, 12:31, edited 2 times in total.
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Fred Woogle
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Dr. kitteny berk
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Anhamgrimmar
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the following are all alledgedly transcripts from various air traffic controlers over the years
A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin)
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin)
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Mr. Johnson
- Mr Flibbles
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looks like i'm going to give a try.
for those not in the know, there has since time begun been a constant rivalry between the dutch and the belgians. The thruth is, we both really like each other and in reality we are always very fluffy to each other, but this makes the dutch offcourse a constant target for our jokes, and vice versa. The following joke originally contain a dutchman and a belgian, but since 5punk is a british website, it would lose its appeal and therefore i'll change the dutchman with a welshman and the belgian with an englishman.
here goes (apologies if already told/heard)
Two survivors are stranded on a deserted island, one is a welshman, and one an englishman. after some wandering about on the island, they are halted by a vicious cannibal tribe. they are being captured, tied to poles and dragged to the leader of the tribe. to their surprise, the leader speaks perfect english, and says: "to show we are not such bad people after all, we will give you the chance of freedom. to earn this freedom, you will have to take 2 tests. succeed and you will be free" the two men give each other a surpised look and stare back at the leader. "your first test will be to seek 100 identical pieces of fruit" "you may go" the two men dash into the wilderness full of good hope. The first to return is the englishman, with an exotic equivalent of blueberries. The leader speaks again; "the second test will be to insert each and everyone of these fruits in your anus" "however, you may not laugh during this process" So the englishman starts inserting the blueberries in his arse, this going alot easier then expected because of the blueberries size and softness. But when he finally reaches the 99th berrie, he bursts into incontrollable laughter. The leader speaks "you have failed, and will now be cooked untill you are dead and edible" So when the cannibals are starting the fire and put the englishman in the massive cliché pot, the leader asks why he started laughing, since he was so close to his goal. the englishman replies: "well, i noticed the welshman had returned from the forest, with his 100 coconuts."
apologies for poor english/joke etc.
for those not in the know, there has since time begun been a constant rivalry between the dutch and the belgians. The thruth is, we both really like each other and in reality we are always very fluffy to each other, but this makes the dutch offcourse a constant target for our jokes, and vice versa. The following joke originally contain a dutchman and a belgian, but since 5punk is a british website, it would lose its appeal and therefore i'll change the dutchman with a welshman and the belgian with an englishman.
here goes (apologies if already told/heard)
Two survivors are stranded on a deserted island, one is a welshman, and one an englishman. after some wandering about on the island, they are halted by a vicious cannibal tribe. they are being captured, tied to poles and dragged to the leader of the tribe. to their surprise, the leader speaks perfect english, and says: "to show we are not such bad people after all, we will give you the chance of freedom. to earn this freedom, you will have to take 2 tests. succeed and you will be free" the two men give each other a surpised look and stare back at the leader. "your first test will be to seek 100 identical pieces of fruit" "you may go" the two men dash into the wilderness full of good hope. The first to return is the englishman, with an exotic equivalent of blueberries. The leader speaks again; "the second test will be to insert each and everyone of these fruits in your anus" "however, you may not laugh during this process" So the englishman starts inserting the blueberries in his arse, this going alot easier then expected because of the blueberries size and softness. But when he finally reaches the 99th berrie, he bursts into incontrollable laughter. The leader speaks "you have failed, and will now be cooked untill you are dead and edible" So when the cannibals are starting the fire and put the englishman in the massive cliché pot, the leader asks why he started laughing, since he was so close to his goal. the englishman replies: "well, i noticed the welshman had returned from the forest, with his 100 coconuts."
apologies for poor english/joke etc.
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Mr. Johnson
- Mr Flibbles
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FatherJack
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'sokay, I've heard Bobbins's before too.Mr. Johnson wrote:
thought so. oh well, at least i tried.
Here's one of my favourites;
A man gets called to visit his wife's doctor, and upon arriving is told that there's been a mix up with her test results.
"Unfortunately it's bad news either way. One set of results has revealed altzheimers, the other one shows positive for AIDS".
"Oh my god that's terrible! What do I do?" exclaims the man.
"Well, what I'd suggest is that you drive her into town and drop her off. Then go home and wait. If she finds her way back, don't fuck her."