Snakes, and not planes.

Post by **Dog Pants** » September 4th, 2006, 8:02

SNAKES - AND HOW THEY ARE DEALT WITH BY THE MILITARY

Infantry.
Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

Parachute Regiment.
Lands on and kills snake.

Armour.
Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

Cavalry.
Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

Royal Marine Commando.
Plays with snake. Gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.

Combat Engineer.
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

Artillery.
Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

Special horses.
Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best seller "Python Two Zero".

Army Medical Services.
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

Royal Navy.
Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes Power Point presentation to MOD Select Committee on how Naval horses are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

Territorial Army.
Kills snake by accident on weekend exercise. Keeps quiet about it.

Royal Air horse.
Obtains geo-coordinates for snake. Alerts Tornado and Harrier horses and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

Intelligence Corps.
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 Indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snakebite.

Defence Logistics Organisation.
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £2.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level.
Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2006. Snake experts from Special horses and Ghurkas told that they do not know what they are talking about. High profile £4M Public Relations campaign launched featuring celebrity chefs and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed horses.

Defence Procurement Agency.
Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. Six years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS (Complete off the Shelf) snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.

friznit · Post by **friznit** » September 4th, 2006, 8:32

arf!

Post by **Joose** » September 4th, 2006, 8:35

Roffle

true story: My uncle works for Intelligence. He once called me up to go fix his modem. I went around, plugged it into the phone line and went home.

Hehulk · Post by **Hehulk** » September 4th, 2006, 10:11

Dog Pants wrote:Army Medical Services.
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

This gives me huge and massive ph33r

Sheriff Fatman · Post by **Sheriff Fatman** » September 4th, 2006, 10:50

Hehulk wrote:
This gives me huge and massive ph33r

Fear not young one, the army medical services are usually very good; when you get broken, they fix you straight away, as opposed to putting you on a 20 year waiting list.

I hope you like needles though, muhahahahahahahaha

Hehulk · Post by **Hehulk** » September 4th, 2006, 11:10

Sheriff Fatman wrote:I hope you like needles though, muhahahahahahahaha

I'm not massivly bothered by them narf. Just need a few minutes warning to do something my Hypnotherapist taught me

friznit · Post by **friznit** » September 4th, 2006, 11:16

I'm in physio. I'd like to be in the physio. Hubba hubba.

Sheriff Fatman · Post by **Sheriff Fatman** » September 4th, 2006, 11:27

friznit wrote:I'm in physio. I'd like to be in the physio. Hubba hubba.

PHOTOS!

The last army physio who treated me was an ex-para, much less glamourous. His missus however (a nursing officer), coooo-eeeeee!

/loves nurses

Post by **FatherJack** » September 4th, 2006, 11:51

Dog Pants wrote:Parachute Regiment.
Lands on and kills snake.

Cartillery!

Hehulk · Post by **Hehulk** » September 4th, 2006, 11:53

FatherJack wrote: Cartillery!

OMG HAX!!!

Ban him!!!!

cashy · Post by **cashy** » September 4th, 2006, 17:33

Hehulk wrote:
I'm not massivly bothered by them narf. Just need a few minutes warning to do something my Hypnotherapist taught me

does it involve a brick?

that reminds me, i must upload the pictures of borris, the 5punk pet brick

wyrd · Post by **wyrd** » September 4th, 2006, 22:56

Sheriff Fatman wrote:/loves nurses

all the nurses where i live have upper lip hair :/

shot2bits · Post by **shot2bits** » September 4th, 2006, 22:58

wyrd wrote:
all the nurses where i live have upper lip hair :/

you from france/germany?

5punk

Snakes, and not planes.

Snakes, and not planes.

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Re: Snakes, and not planes.