Revision as of 03:21, 26 April 2009

Reviews M to P

Madden NFL 07 - Wii

As wonderfully incomprehensible to non-fans as the actual sport. Woefully inadequate tutorial for the neophyte. Disappointing amount of Wii-interaction, involving a little flick at the right time, rather than a throw. Played for a full twenty minutes before discovering I was actually "controlling" the other team to the one I thought I was, though my performance actually dropped after realising this.

FatherJack

Magic Online - PC

Introduction OK, I know that this is probably going to recieve a fair amount of ridicule, but a number of people have been asking me about it. Rather than spend ages explaining the concept to each individual over xfire, I thought I would save time by just doing a review.

So what is Magic: Online? Well, before I explain that, promise that you finish reading the rest of the review. You see, the short explanation makes it sound extremely shit, even to a hardcore beard like myself. You promise? Ok, here I go...

Its a card game.

Still here? Right. The first thing people tend to think of when I say that is "What, like solitaire?". No, not like solitaire. Some people, who know a little more about it, say "What, like Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh?". Closer, but again, not really, no.

What it actually is, is an online version of the grand-daddy of all trading card games, Magic: The Gathering. It is exactly the same as the offline, real-card version (albiet with less arguments about rules). The game is played by you selecting your "Deck" from your card collection, and then challenging another player. The actual play is something like a cross between a stratagy game (in that you have resources, and you make armies to fight the opponent) and a puzzle game. The fun comes from outwitting an opponent. This game is all about Big Brains.

Gameplay The play itself is, wierdly, only half the game. You see, before you can actually go into a game you need to have a deck of cards, and you put these together yourself. You can get premade ones, and they work ok, but after a couple of games you will at least want to alter the deck, if not make one from scratch. This can be because theres a card in there that you never use, and you want to remove it. Or you may have a card in your collection that you can imagine working well with your deck, and want to add it. The outcome of the actual games often rely more on your ability to put good decks together than your ability to play them.

Of course, if that side of things doesnt really appeal to you, then fret not. There is something called "netdecking", which basically boils down to downloading premade decks from the internet. Although you cant just get the cards for free, once you have the cards, the actual arranging of them into decks can be entirely done for you. Its kinda frowned upon in the community though, as the more successfull net decks get used a lot, and playing against the same deck time and again can get a little boring.

So, youve got your deck, then what happens? Well, the game is split into turns, with each player taking their turn in...er...turn. Each player has a hand (which is made from 7 cards drawn from your deck) and a deck. Each turn, a player takes a card, adds it to their hand, and can play a land. Land is the resource of the game. Each land can, each turn, be "tapped" for one mana. Non-land cards all have a cost to play, in mana. So, for example, if I wanted to bring my goblin into play from my hand, and the goblin cost one red mana, I would tap a land that gives one red mana, and put him into play. Theres also spells, like fireballs, and artifacts, that have all manner of effects. The game is won when the opponent either is reduced to 0 life (from a starting point of 20), or when they need to draw a card from their deck, and can't, as they have used them all.

So why is this fun, I hear you ask? Well, its not so much the actual playing of the cards that is fun, its the interaction the cards have with each other. You see, nearly all cards in Magic have some special rules printed on them. Things like "Whenever you do damage, you may draw an extra card" or "When this creature is played, an opponents creature is destroyed". Its the working out what cunning combinations you can make out of these rules that makes the game fun. For instance, I recently aquired a card that said "whenever a creature does damage, draw a card". I already had a creature that had "whenever you draw a card, do 1 damage to your opponent." This meant that if I could get both cards in play without the opponent removing one, all I would have to do is one damage or draw one card and there would be an infinate loop of draw card->do damage->draw card->do damage. The trouble was, the creature in question required a lot of mana, which means a lot of land. Would I survive long enough to draw the creature and play it? Would the opponent think of some way of foiling my evil combo? If he does, would I be able to think on my feet enough to still get a win from it? Thats where the fun is.

There is a book by Ian M Banks called The Player of Games. In that, a genius in games theory says that for a game to have lasting fun, it must have a balance between predictability and randomness. To predictable, and the brainiest person wins every time (like in noughts and crosses). To random, and the skill and intelligence of the player has no bearing on the outcome of the game, so the player has no control over whether they win or lose. In my opinion, Magic has this balance. You need to have a reasonable amount of brains, to be able to build a decent deck and then make the right decisions when playing it. But also, you need some luck, because the best deck in the world can be foiled by not drawing the right cards at the right time.

Sights and Sounds Now this is a tricky one. I mean, its a card game. Its not exactly going to be able to compete with the latest FPS on looks, no matter how good they are at coding it. But thats not the point: It would be like trying to jazz up chess. You can make it as flashy as you like, the core game would be the same, and *thats* where the fun comes from.

So yes, it looks aweful. In fact, it looks like it was coded for windows 3.1. And the sounds are equally bad; Ive turned em all off except for the beep that tells you its your turn to do something. However, there is a flip side to this. Its got roughly the same system requirements as minesweeper. You can, therefore, play it alongside doing other stuff on your computer, no problem. I used to play whilst I played EVE (back when I did play EVE), as the game not only requires very little of your computer, but as its all turn based, goes at whatever speed you feel like (as long as your opponent doesnt mind.)

Also worth mentioning in this bit is the card art. Roughly the top half of each card has some artwork, depicting the meaning of the card. Some of these little bits of art are fucking brilliant, and some make me giggle. The Goblin Flectomancer, for example, has a brilliantly silly hat. The zombie card Severed Army depicts and army made entirely of chopped off limps and hands and things, marching on a city. Brilliant!

Stuff that sucks There are a couple of things that suck with this game. The biggest one is the same problem you get with any game based around playing other real people: Some people are dicks. However, in the casual play area (which I spend most of my time in, as I imagine any 5punker would), there is no penalty for losing a game. So if someone you are playing against proves to be a bit of a Danny Baker, just concede the game and play someone else. It can be hard, though, at times to not be drawn in to a stupid internet argument against some idiot teenager who's sore over a lost game, or a particularly good play on your part.

The other thing about this game that sucks is its effect on your bank balance. It sucks, hard, and all of your money disappears into its gaping maw. You see, although the game is actually free to play, you need to buy cards. And although you could, technically, just buy one deck and play with that for ever, you really wont want to. You will want to improve your deck. And for that, you need cards, which cost money. An then you will think of something that requires a whole new deck build. And that requires more cards. Suddenly you realise that although one deck costs a mere £5, you have actually spent many times that, and now have a card collection of several thousand virtual cards.

Like me.

Conclusion Its a marmite thing. You will either love it or it will utterly fail to grab you. However, there is a free trial thing they do, where you can just download a client, hit a button and play for free, with a handfull of premade decks. Although this doesnt give you any of the deck building side of things, it gives you a fair idea of whether or not you will like the game, and hey, its free.

If any of you want to, I shall dig out the link for the client, and show you how to play. Its actually a lot easier to understand than it first appears.

Score : 8/10

Joose

Mage Knight Apocalypse - PC

Not very nice controls, clicky-clicky and mashy-mashy. Far too many repeated button presses to perform even the simplest of tasks.

FatherJack

Matrix: Path of Neo - PC

Fighting a bunch of dudes and pulling off awesome The One moves is great, but it's hindered by the fact that it's a crappy port of a game that wasn't really that polished to begin with:

Even with my new PC(I overshoot the recommended sys reqs), the game still chokes a lot, specially if I'm fighting a number of opponents and I've already destroyed a large part of the environment) It seems stupid that the game is being dragged by its two major selling points: fighting multiple enemies at once and destructible environments.

The graphics are shitty. It's probably the only PC-ported game I know of that has graphics worse than its console counterparts. Even if I bump the resolution up to 1280X1024 the graphics still look as awful as it did in 800X600, the only difference is the animation is now less fluid.

Getting around the game is also difficult. Unless you've finished all the missions, you won't have the ability to skip FMVs at the start of the level, and most of them are at least 2 minutes in length.

Ellachan

MS Train Simulator - PC

Experience all the thrills of being a train driver, without getting paid, and no crash physics

Score : 3/10

Dr. Kitteny Berk

Need For Speed Carbon - PC/PS/XBOX

Decent arcade racing with fucking retarded crew members and fucking bullshit AI. At least you're not required to make your car fucking hideous looking this time.

Score : 6/10

Deject

Just like Need for Speed Most Wanted, but with better menus, shiner graphics, and at night. Runs better than NFS:MW on this pc, and I have hardly noticed any dynamic ads.

Nickface

Neverwinter Nights 2 - PC

Just like NWN1, but with a little better interface and graphics that look a little like the graphics for Everquest 2. My computer doesn't like it too much.

Nickface

No One Lives Forever 2 - PC

Funny first person sneaker, featuring Angry Kitty Proximity Mines. 'Nuff Said.

Deject

Oblivion

Surprisingly linear. Eats my graphics card and dumps on my CPU. I have to use Oldblivion hack to make it run which kinda strips it back to whether it's fun to play or not. It isn't. Morrowind was better.

Yamon

Oni - PC/PS2

3rd person beat-em-up/shoot-em-up. Good fun, little bit frustrating at times, but good for a blast. Anime stylings set in the near future. I like it.

Buzzmong

Panyga: Golf with style - Wii

Same as the free PC game, but impossibly hard compared to playing against drunk/amateur players online. You need to get at least par against flawless computer opponents in the very first game to progress - no buying special magic golf sticks for real monies off the internets, here. Better title would be "Pangya: Golf without actually any style because to get any semblance of style you need to be better than you were ever able to be in over 43 hours of online play". That's not so catchy, though.

Fatherjack

Phantasy Star Universe - PC

Hugely disappointing, boring combat system. Worst Controls Ever In A Game. The UI was just thrown together.

FatherJack

Prey - PC

A one trick pony in a world of acrobatic assault ponies - nothing bad as such, just bland.

Score : 5.5/10

Dr. Kitteny Berk

Project Gotham racing 1/2 - Xbox

Arcadey street racing fun - good medium between a sim and need for speed.

Score : 7/10

Dr. Kitteny Berk

Matrix Online - PC

A seemingly obvious choice for a game of this particular film licence, its all based around the matrix films. Storline wise, its set shortly after the last film. Be a digitised computer geek, just like the people in the film. Theres apparently a lot of storyline going on (following events from the films) but I only had a week trial, and didnt realy notice.

A lot of people (myself included) were put off this game by the beta test. Even by beta test standards, the game was baaaaaad. Buggy as hell, looked horrible, and it was kinda boring. They have since improved it a lot, but its still not smashing.

Graphics Meh. Another not great/not terrible one, although it seemed to make my machine chuggy considering the level of detail it was on (not very high).

Good points Its the matrix! Wear leather coats! Wear sunglasses indoors! Do kungfu! Actually, the fight system is kinda cool, with some nice film style kung-fuing going on.

Bad points Its a bit dull, and although you can get cool outfits, you soon realise that everyone else is wearing almost identical cool outfits. And although the fights look good one on one, the system doesnt do multiple opponents, leading to some rediculous situations where you have bad guys lining up for you to punch them in the face. And the inteface is awful.

Score : 2/10

Joose

No One Lives Forever 2: A Spy In H.A.R.M's Way - PC

NOLF2 is very balanced game, your enemies are clever, and you never have a large advantage over them, you need skill and a brain to do well. Your weapons are mostly tools, but If you know your way round, they can be implements of hilarity, including various slapstick weapons, some of which are so good, I won't spoil them. A downside to the game are the levels where you need to be stealthy, most incorporate stealth, but there are the few where you need to be to survive (on harder settings). The game is set in every 60's cliché, with a few female ninjas thrown in. The voice acting is great, taking inspiration from the good Lucas arts point and click games, like grim fandango and Sam n' Max, the characters created are hilarious stereotypical people, including drunk soviet Russians, crazy Indians and dozy, Soviet hating Americans. The game itself is quite long, taking me 9 hours to complete on medium settings. ( I took 10 hours for HL2) But I like to soak up the game, showing off that you go fast in a game is like showing off that you are fast in bed, It's just plain wrong.

NOLF2 is a pretty excellent looking game, for its age, but quite outdated these days, a big disappointment is the native resolutions, you can only get 1024*768 maxed out, so you're going to need to edit some files if you want wide-screen. Textures are OK, but objects are Flintstones style repeated, but the developers get away with this because you are fighting one large corporation, and they used up all the disk space on spoken dialog.

Multiplayer is fun, but 1 active server is the norm, Co-Op levels with a friend is great, and should be relished by the 5punk community.

Bottom line NOLF 2 is a witty, 60's spy based shooter/sneaker (with a little RPG, for taste), full of innuendo, stereotypes and pure silliness. Not as good as the first, but still rather good.

Score : 9/10

Mr Green

PGR4 - XBox 360

Introduction Project Gotham Racing is the successor to Metropolis Street Racer on the Dreamcast, which was one of the first games to introduce showing off to get more points, long before Ned for Speed went "underground". This new version is shiny and stylish and features bikes racing alongside cars in various weather conditions on street and racetrack locations.

Gameplay The showing-off element is more pronounced than the previous release, but there is still something for everyone. Lots of game modes including crashing into cones (but much easier than Crazy Taxi) and overtaking 2CVs mean there's always something to do.

Riding bikes is a lot more fun that I thought it would be, while it's quite easy to fall off - particularly with aggressive car drivers around - the penalty isn't that great and your acceleration makes up for it. I had to use the third-person view for bikes though, as I was getting severe neck-ache.

Since you can test drive or split-screen race any vehicle without unlocking them, it's a fun one to take to friend's houses. Multiplayer over the internet I've avoided as it's rarely a fun experience with driving games.

Sights and Sounds Nice title music from the Prodigy, plus some surprising variation in the other tunes, from some distinctive classical titles to hideous genero-rock. Good car sounds, particularly on the quirky vehicles that make odd noises.

Graphically all rather nice, with very detailed in-car views, windscreen wipers and everything if that's your thing (I favour the clean view of the camera stuck on the front bumper).

There is an okay selection of cars, but nowhere near as many as the other major titles - the same is true of the tracks, but the different weather conditions add quite a bit of variation. A lot of the tracks and cars will be very familiar, but fortunately seem very consistent with their appearances in other games.

Stuff that sucks It's not as "pure" as Forza, and the races which revolve around showboating can get a little tedious, but it's easy enough to find something else to do. Superbikes, in the snow on a grand-prix track - it can get pretty silly - even sillier is the fact that the above-mentioned combination is not actually that challenging.

Conclusion A fun driving title, not so realistic, but a good blast. A decent halfway point between the more serious and more frivolous racing games.

Score : 8/10

FatherJack

Pokemon Diamond - Nintendo DS

Introduction

Most people will know what Pokemon is and what it's all about. Some will have played it in one form or another. For those who haven't, the game is a cutesy japanese RPG-alike which basically involves catching one of each type of Pokemon. There's far more to it than that though, and for a game that's aimed at kids it's pretty involving and very long.

Gameplay

Most of the game is spent in a top-down view, with your little character wandering around the region interacting with people. It plays much like many other RPGs in that respect, and as you progress through the game you develop the abilities needed to access more and more of the region. Often you will find yourself in battle, but this is a kids game and so the combat is fairly lighthearted. During battles, either with an NPC or a wild Pokemon, you face off your Pokemon against another and select moves for them to use to weaken or damage your opponent, or to strengthen themselves. Up to six Pokemon can be carried, and the same goes for NPCs, and there is a convoluted rock-scissor-paper system where different types of Pokemon are more or less effective against others.

There are a good many things to do, far more than just fighting for the sake of it. As previously mentioned, the biggest objective seems to be to catch one of each sort of Pokemon, but there are hundreds of them and some are very rare. There's also the storyline objective of becoming the greates Pokemon trainer in the region, and many little missions and quests along the way. Those who have played a Pokemon game before will recognise it as the exact same plot as all the others. Indeed, the game is almost the same as the last version I played (Pokemon Grass Green on the GBA). Almost.

There are differences here that are unique to the DS though. Existing components, such as competitions and berries, have been improved and use the stylus for effect. There is now a world trade system that I haven't tried out yet. Then there's the underground. The underground is a network of tunnels underneath the region that can be accessed from pretty much anywhere in the game by digging. Within them there are no Pokemon, but your DS will activate its wireless connection so that you share the tunnels with anyone else who is playing within range. Around the walls are areas where you can use the stylus to dig for little jewels and items, some of which are only useful for buying stuff in the tunnels, others can be used above ground. Finally, you can build a secret base down there and furnish it with stuff bought with your gems. You can also set traps, Spy Vs Spy style, that usually need to be cleared in a novel way (such as blowing leaves away or popping bubbles with your stylus). It's not essential to the game, but it is a novel little distraction.

Sights and Sounds

The graphics are now in a sort of pseudo-3D, created by parallax effects. They work fine for their purpose and are better looking than other Pokemon games due to the DS being more powerful than other Gameboys. The sound, however, remains just as bleepy amd midi-esque. I usually turn it off.

Stuff that sucks

Well, from the point of view of someone who likes Pokemon games, not much really. The only thing I'd improve if I could would be to allow the player to scroll through the dialogue faster, and to make the guys who sell stuff underground to be a bit easier to find, as looking for them is pretty dull. If, however, you don't like Pokemon games you probably won't like much. Still, if you don't like this style of game a DS might have been a bad purchase.

Conclusion

Very much more of the same, with a little DS goodness added to keep old players interested. Easily played for any amount of time, and will take many hours to complete. A good step forwards for the series.

Score : 8/10

Dog Pants

Psychonauts - PC

Introduction Psychonauts is the story of Raz, a young psychic who has run away from his family's circus to a psychic summer camp. Now he must try to prove himself and learn as much as he can before his psychic tutors send him back to his parents, who Raz believes resent him for his psychic abilities. Essentially Psychonauts is a traditional platform game; you have a hub world which is the psychic summer camp (plus one other location) and various levels which you gain access to as you progress through the game. The levels are psychic worlds within the minds of the freakish characters you encounter and the design of these levels is where Psychonauts separates itself from other platform games. They are truly bizarre and each is very different from the others, but more about that later.

For those familiar with Grim Fandango and other Tim Schafer projects you'll probably notice similarities in the character/environment design and the dark humour that runs thick through the entirety of the game.

Gameplay Getting started on Psychonauts is a wonderfully simple experience, especially if you've played platforms games before. First you find yourself in a small, kiddies area of the summer camp which serves as the tutorial zone and introduces you to the control system, the game mechanics and objectives, nothing too outlandish so far. The second part of the tutorial you'll find in a classroom at the top of a rickety ramp and is set in the mind of one of the camp tutors, a military man and his psychic landscape reflects this. It's looks like the worst war flashback the most shellshocked soldier could ever have; constant explosions, bunnies with helmets and twisted hulls of ships floating in midair. This is just a taste of what's to come. Again there's plenty to collect in these worlds too, most items contribute to your levelling up and in turn access to new psychic powers.

Once you've completed these two areas you are free to roam the rest of the camp, which is quite large but can be quickly traversed with the aid of a few shoutcut devices like the underground transport system. On camp there is a shop that sells a few items which will help with your quest and adds a small RPG element but purchasing is not a major feature.

As you progress some of the major characters will give you new powers as well, these are combined with a tutorial type level which introduces you to the new skill.

Sights and Sounds Considering this game is also available on lesser platforms such as PS2 the graphics are very nice indeed. It probably helps that the creators were not going for any kind of realism, they've mostly used bold colours and fairly simple geometry for their characters and environments. While I'm all for a bit of realism some surrealism is refreshing, especially for a PC title, and this one has it in spades. Each of the levels is beautifully designed and with huge variety from level to level, one of them cleverly uses changes in the environment so one relatively small location becomes many.

The voice acting is top notch and there were even some laugh-out-loud moments for me, particularly in the Milkman Conspiracy level but there's no point in repeating the lines as it's the context that's funny.

Stuff that sucks As usual with any 3D platform game the camera is not perfect. There will be the odd occasion when your view is obscured by a wall behind the character or something like that, but mostly the camera is very well behaved and certainly one of the best examples I've experienced.

The only other problem I have with the game is another one which afflicts most other games of this type; infuriating last level syndrome. Most of the last few sections of the game are easy enough, a couple of falls here and there but steady progress, then there were these two jumps which took about 20 goes each and had me cursing and physically abusing the joypad.

Conclusion This is a great platform game. A great deal of time and effort has be put into every aspect of this game, and it shows. The pyschic worlds that makes up the levels proper are amazing, varied and great fun to explore or just look at for a while. The graphics and sound are both interesting and funny. If you enjoy platform games I thoroughly recommend this one. Oh and ... Use the bacon Raz ...

Score : 8/10

Joose