I don't usually partake in discussions, because I'm really really crap at them and it makes me look even more stupid, but on the point of depressions I'd like to say something.
Apologies in advance for length and emo-ness.
I too, don't really understand depressions, but like all the others that's simply because I've never had it/don't know anyone that has it. I do know however, what it's like to feel really fucking worthless, because (and I am not exaggerating, this is the full and honest truth) ever since my 1st year in what I believe to be the Belgian equivalent of English middle school (it starts when you're about 8 ) I have always been last in my class, in pretty much everything apart from the arty classes and language related things, i was last in gym, maths, biology, and everything else they try to teach you at middle school. Nowadays children that are last in something are immediately diagnosed with every learning disability known to man and stuffed full of drugs, but in my small country school the diagnosis was simple: i was stupid. The worst was that the abuse didn't come from the students (i was slightly bullied for a while because i had long hair and looked like a girl, by both the students and the teachers, but i didn't mind that), but from the teachers. Most of them were unhappily married women without children in their 40's* (as is common with middle schools in the mid-90's, or so it seems) and they've long since stopped caring about teaching children, but instead started focusing on early retirement. They all let me pass no matter how bad my grades where, and thus nobody noticed anything. Not even me, i was just glad when my schoolday ended.
By the time i was in my 5th year, it became apparent that it wasn't just starter problems, but that there was something else wrong (it was around this time i think that some doctors started mass-publishing things about ADHD and the like, alerting mothers worldwide) so they send me to a Steiner school (apparently called
Waldorf school in English
) which was supposed to have a slower-paced and more individual way of teaching. I suppose this is technically true,
if you've been in said school since age 6, and
if your teacher actually followed the set guidelines. (in Steiner schools teachers move along with a class, as opposed to a regular school where you get a new teacher each year) We happened to have a feminist bitch that liked to fail all the boys because they made dirty jokes or coloured their hair (i did neither of these things but got a bollocking all the same) and praised the girls in the heavens giving them a smug sense of superiority over us. Despite the fact that i was probably the only kid in class that pretty much followed all these rules (but still got poor, poor results) i was send a year back, to the 5th again (i never finished my 6th year, and i'm still not sure how i got into high school) but even there i failed (despite having seen everything already) And that's where the really bad part began.
I got dragged from one psychologist (or psychiatrist, i forget) to another, and none of them managed to find stuff that's wrong (mainly because they were all fuckwits that assumed it had something to do with my brother's death and often they asked me if i was being abused by members of my family, the usual bullshit) the highlight of this period was when they put me in a psychiatric wing of a hospital for observation, but because they only had one wing for minors, i was put alongside drug addicts and people that attacked their parents with pencils and stuff. nice. Anyway, after a week or two they made the diagnosis: asperger's syndrome. (a year or two ago i found papers from said hospital stating i
possibly has asperger's.)
Now i finally had a name for my stupidity and everybody thought i was rain man, despite the fact that I couldn't do math.
Following that, i was send to a special school, the only one of two schools in Belgium at that time (we had about 60 or so students when i arrived, now they have to reject people because all the classes are full, shows how lazy doctors are)
When i look back though, this was maybe the best school i've been to yet, since they actually seemed to care about their students and did help me come to terms with who i was.
Then i blundered my way through two more schools, never reaching the 5th year and finally dropping out at age 18 (legal age to leave school here), thinking i would get an easy job somewhere, making minimum wage, and renting a flat somewhere or something. That plan failed when it became apparent that despite my many schools i had learned absolutely nothing, and to this day is still haven't found anything that i'm really good at or like enough to do. This was mainly due to the fact that I literally lose attention after a minute or so, this is not uncommon but it's become so bad that I have it with things that I'm interested in, like films, books, articles, etc. Due to this, everything becomes a chore, and as a I can't keep my attention to anything, most people still classify me as lazy or unwilling to work, and i can't blame them for that. Because of this i have had unexplained fits of rage and became intolerant of many trivial things (i suppose some of you have had similar problems, so apparently it's not uncommon) which finally lead to a miniature breakdown last Tuesday, after failing a practice(!) theoretic driving test. This story probably sounds familiar to you, as it sounds like one of those crappy films for housewives they show at 2 pm in the afternoon on a weekday. I'm still trying to be hopeful about most things, and i still see the good side of things, but over the past few years i have had increasing periods of emo-days, and i don't feel like doing anything anymore, even gaming. (again, similar to some of you) So i've finally started to look for something i've been against doing all my life: taking medication. i'm starting with the classic ritalin, since it's supposed to help with the concentration thing, and also remembering things, since i've been forgetting more and more lately, like the names of my neighbours or the age of my own siblings. But like Dog Pants, i'll eventually get through this, and stop posting long emo-posts.
Apologies for length, off-topicness and bad english, but after typing all this (for over an hour, crikey) i feel better somehow.
*There were some teachers that treated me just like any other students, and i thank them for that.
All of that.
