Blood Bowl: Life in the Leagues

[Dog Pants]

I completely missed the end of season so I don't know how my div turned out, but I know I was at the bottom of it. However, due to the tier below me only having a couple of full divisions, I remain in Div I. This time I seem to have three relatively new coaches with me so I might claw some success out of it.

[Dog Pants]

Holy shit, that was a pounding like I've never had before. Four injured, one dead. Trolls being stupid for literally half the match despite my careful placing of handlers. Failed dodge after failed dodge. It almost wasn't fun. Almost.

Div A: Kings of the Northmen (Nor, Groovychainsaw) 4 - 0 Thunderbox Scramblers (Gob, Dog Pants)

The visitors kick off to the middle of the Norse half where a Werewolf nimbly collects. As the Kings of the Northmen use their superior fight to push up their right flank, the Goblin Fanatic staggers across to narrow their gap, makes contact, and is knocked out. As they advance forward the Norse cage is bustled a little by a few blitzes, getting a couple of hits on the ball carrier, but they are barely slowed. Meanwhile the rest of the Kings occupy their time by beating up goblins, and by the time the Werewolf cruises across the touchline there are only four opponents on the pitch.
The Thunderbox Scramblers fare a little better receiving as the Loony KOs one opponent with his chainsaw and the Bomber gets another. The trolls, however, do nothing for the entire drive and serve only as a barrier to any potential charge by the huddled goblins. They retain the ball for the short time until the end of the half, the Loony getting injured by his own chainsaw in the meantime, and have a small chance to grab a last second touchdown courtesy of a thrown ball carrier. However, true to form, the troll refuses and the whistle blows with both of the creatures still staring vacantly at the clouds.

The second half gets off to a roaring start as the outnumbered goblins go for an audacious (but predictable) starting move. The Scramblers recover the ball and quickly move it to the huddle on the centre line. Finally getting into the game one of the trolls beats some space while the other picks up the ball carrier and, after seriously contemplating eating him, lobs him far down the pitch. And succeeds in hitting the only Norse player in the back half of the Kings' side of the pitch, to vigorous applause from the crowd. Quickly recovering, the flattened Werewolf picks the ball up and is quickly caged, being narrowly missed by a second flying gobbo as he starts to move forward. The cage presses on quickly and with little opposition. Stibum, the Bomber, tries to fall back to cover against the cage, but falls over his own bombs and is killed. For a second time the Norse trot across the line for an unopposed touchdown.
The goblins receive again and surge forward while the ball carrier trails towards the rear, in an almost elf-like play. A rapid Werewolf blitzes him at the edge of his range, but is strangely pulled up. The crowd suspects goblin cheating, possibly poison, as they chant "CYANIDE! CYANIDE!" Taking full advantage the goblin legs it, only to be tripped up by the Wolf. The Norse can't recover the ball in time to stop the goblin taking it back, but again is tripped as he makes his escape. This time the Kings don't take any chances as a lineman recovers the ball and hands off to his hairy colleague, who trots on to score a hat-trick.
With only a minute to go the final kick falls wide, and the Kings catch the Scramblers flat footed. Getting under their own kick, a Berzerker catches the ball and tears off. The goblins can only fall over themselves in response, and as the final seconds tick on the Kings of the Norsemen run on for a fourth and final touchdown.

In a show of appreciation which sums up the theme of the game, the commentators were unanimous in their voting of the MVPs. The vital performance of the triple-scoring Werewolf earned him the accolade for his team, while brave Stibum, rescuer of the Coach, was posthumously awarded the Scramblers' merit.

[Dog Pants]

A fun game tonight against the inexperienced but very pleasant Havocc. It was only luck that put him ahead really with an outrageously unlikely sequence of dodges, but getting his orcs off the ball was difficult and all I could do was try to slow him down. A good game for me despite the loss - I didn't lose any players, got 50k gold, and one goblin even levelled up!

Div I: Thunderbox Scramblers (Gob, Dog Pants) 1 - 2 DoD HavOrcs (Orc, Havocc)

The HavOrcs receive deep in their half and concentrate their attentions on the pair of trolls while forming a cage around a recovering thrower. Some goblins slip through the orc line as the cage starts to rumble forward, forcing some of the attackers to fall back and mark. Meanwhile their Blitzers push through the goblin defences, such as they are, to worry the back markers. As the cage approaches the centre line it comes under attack from a ball of goblins exploiting a hole made by the wandering fanatic, resulting in the ball being busted loose and ending up on the right hand side of the cage under the gaze of a Black Orc. The stunties fail to snatch it away from him, and despite struggling to pin the goblins down and clear them from the area the HavOrcs manage to recover it with a Blitzer in a light cage. The fanatic follows up, but only succeeds in knocking himself out on the green wall. The huddle of orcs presses on, pushed against the sideline by a steady flow of retreating of goblins, and three Scramblers behind the ball look like they might cause an obstacle until a Black Orc bags two in one punch by knocking a Scrambler out, who in turn launches his buddy into the crowd. The goblins struggle to get behind the ball now as the orc cage picks up strength and attrition takes its toll. But with time short a desperate goblin line pays off, forcing the ball carrying Blitzer to have to run between them. Against all the odds he does just that, crashing across the line in the last few seconds of the half.

The Scramblers set up heavily to the right as they receive a long ball. Shuttling it right back up the pitch, they pull off an almost perfect gobbo-throw, landing the ball carrier halfway to the touchline and barely within catching distance of the defence. As his teammates are swarmed by the rest of the goblin team, a lone Blitzer manages a desperate grab at the runner but only succeeds in helping him along with a shove. Wriggling away, the delighted goblin jumps over the line for a rapid touchdown, and carries on running before the Blitzer catches him.
The Scramblers kick again to the far left of the HavOrc side and begin their defence with the Fanatic knocking out one of his own teammates. The orcs follow suit, beating up more of the little guys while slowly starting a caged drive down the side of the pitch. As the goblins are overcome the drive gathers momentum, and with the half nearly over they thunder across the line with only a token resistance.
Mere minutes remain of the half and the Scramblers form up to attempt a predictable throw play again. The HavOrcs form a wall across the touchline in anticipation, but in an anticlimax the goblin midfielder fails to pick the ball up and the game ends with a lineorc punching his goblin opposite in the face.

[Dog Pants]

I won a game! 2-0 courtesy of the two sweetest words in the English language: de fault. My last opponent dropped out of the league, presumably because he was scared of the gobbo mauling he would have received, and that puts me third in the division.

[Dog Pants]

I've just realised, since my last game was defaulted I didn't write about the ongoing saga of Coach Dog Pants. So in case anyone is actually reading them:

Coach Dog Pants and the Thunderbox Scramblers wearily approach the goblin village, the cart they travel in bouncing over the rough track. The settlement is in darkness and no welcome is expected after yet another defeat. Yet much to their surprise, as they get close, the sky is lit by explosions (as are a couple of huts) and the team see the entire village waiting, illuminated in stark relief by the fireworks and accidental conflagrations. Their weariness is dispelled by the huge cheer the crowd let out, and above them a banner bearing the word VIKTERY explains the reception, if not the reason for it. As the cart enters the village it dawns on Coach Dog Pants why they are celebrating, their chants betraying the league mechanism which has saved them from relegation: DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT!

[buzzmong]

So in case anyone is actually reading them:

I am! I enjoy your little bits of prose.

[Dog Pants]

Oh god, I'm up against a Halfling team this season. The only team in the game worse than goblins. Also Dark Elves and Chaos.

[buzzmong]

You mean you stand a chance of winning at least one match?

[Dog Pants]

Bugger. He rebooted with a Necro team.

[Dog Pants]

A quite astonishing win for me tonight. Pretty much everything went right, while poor Recoil struggled with his dodging. If I had to blame tactics of any kind I would suggest it was a lack of any real violence on either side, which benefited me as I didn't suffer any attrition, and Recoil's reliance on dodging, which caused many a turnover for him.

Div I: Thunderbox Scramblers (Gob, Dog Pants) 3 - 1 Revellers In Sorrow (DElf, Recoil3842)

The Thunderbox Scramblers begin the game by kicking the ball into the crowd, getting the Revellers In Sorrow off to a rolling start. The Revellers race forward, a couple of linemen ignoring the goblin defence and getting deep behind their line, and despite a couple of markers catching them a long but accurate pass from the midfield finds its target. The lineman almost ignores his goblin marker, dashing past and scoring while some of the crowd are still finding their seats.
The game slows a little after the Revellers kick. The Scramblers take the ball but make no sudden movements. Taking advantage of the inaction, several Dark Elves breeze through the goblin line to harass the ball carrier, but the gobbos make good their exit and huddle up behind a troll and the fanatic in the centre of the pitch. The Scramblers' heavies push forwards, deflecting the Dark Elf line who try to avoid contact, while the Scramblers' Pogoer dashes up the right flank. The goblins spot a gap as the Revellers fall back and get the ball to the Pogoer, who bounds linewards and scores unopposed.
The goblins kick again, this time landing at the feet of a Dark Elf Blitzer. The Blitzer takes the opportunity to snatch up the ball and push forwards with the assistance of a nearby lineman, but with the rest of his team's failure to reach them in support the pair are soon brought down by a mass of greenskins. The ball is taken up by the Scramblers but a fumbled hand-off lands it near the flailing Fanatic. More Revellers press towards the pack, but can't prevent the knot of goblins recovering the ball and ferrying it to a waiting troll-handler. True to form, the lumbering troll picks up the gobbo and sends him lazily arcing over the pitch. The goblin manages to stay on his feet, and sprints across the line before the Revellers can respond.
The Scramblers kick again with little time remaining in the half. A Dark Elf runner takes the ball up and looks for another opportunity to pass, but nothing presents itself. As the only real fighting of the game so far breaks out on the centre line, a troll decides to try and bring the ball carrier down with a thrown team-mate, but only succeeds in dropping him.

The second half begins with a magnificent kick by the Revellers In Sorrow, dropping the ball in the very corner of the pitch. The Scramblers scramble to get back to it and barely recover before the Dark Elves are onto them. The ball carrier manages to avoid disaster by escaping to the safety of a huddle of team-mates and a leading troll. The Pogoer races forward again, but not to be caught out twice the Revellers catch him and KO him. Several Dark Elves manage to avoid the troll and press the trailing goblins to put the ball carrier under severe duress, but with the pariah troll lumbering onwards most break free to follow. A plucky attempt at cage-breaking by a Delf lineman fails, and with their attending troll stopping in confusion the remains of the goblin cage break onwards without him. Both teams move to intercept or interfere as the huddle of greenskins heads towards the line, and the goblins ultimately win out. A lone Reveller gets hands on the carrier, but outnumbered four-to-one, he is pushed aside as the Scramblers run in a third touchdown.
With little time left, the Revellers make a last ditch attempt at a run-and-pass, but it is not to be. The forwards are set upon and surrounded, and the final throw falls harmlessly onto the pitch.

[Dog Pants]

Apparently I have a halfling player named after me in the RPS Hall of Fame team. I have the honour of being the first player to commit a foul, which KOd a Saurus. I'm very flattered.

[buzzmong]

Good stuff Pants, that's your first league win with gobbos isn't it?

[Dog Pants]

Yep. I almost feel guilty for beating him with such a poor team, but Blood Bowl will occassionally throw up a funny result.

[Dog Pants]

A tough old game tonight. Chaos were always going to be a violent opponent, but in fact they merely were the brick wall off which I beat my goblins (to death, in one case). 2Lab played a careful game, caging heavily and moving slowly, and all my desperate, crazy plays failed catastrophically. Such is the life of a goblin coach.

Div J: Thesbian Liberation Front (Cha, 2Lab) 2 - 0 Thunderbox Scramblers (Gob, Dog Pants)

Thesbian Liberation Front opt to receive from the kickoff and the Thunderbox Scramblers oblige by hoofing the ball into the crowd. The TLF take the opportunity of a free ball to cage from the off and slowly start to trundle down their right flank. The Scramblers wrap around the formation and a troll works around behind, nearly connecting with the ball carrier but falling at the last moment. The cage advances on while the goblins are still out of formation, and with little hope of stopping the massive cage directly the other troll, soon to be famous Eyeguff, lobs a teammate at the ball carrier. The hapless goblin goes wide and lands in the crowd. The relentless super-cage continues, reaching the line and stopping, and Eyeguff collects another goblin projectile to try again. This ends even less fortunately, missing again and killing the goblin on impact with the pitch. Unwilling to be overshadowed by the troublesome troll's abuse of his own team, the Chaos side beats up a few gobbos themselves, then score a short and uncontested touchdown.
A little time remains for the Scramblers to attempt a quick thrown touchdown, against better judgement (as if goblins could have worse judgement), but a well placed kick towards the back of the pitch pinches their time and the play results only in another poor throw and another goblin in the KO box.

The TLF kick again, dropping the ball high and short right into the waiting arms of the pogoer, who bounds clear past the entire defence. He isn't out of harm's way, so several teammates move to follow, but only one makes it. The Chaos back markers quickly sack the impetuous pogo and take the ball, caging again and moving down the right field in a similar play to the first half. The goblins put up little resistance as their depleted numbers try to get through the horde of Chaos players. The ball carrying beastman briefly bursts from the cage, but when his goblin pursuers fail to even break free of their markers he cages up on the line again to wait out the half. A few greenskins manage to gather nearby, and with only a couple of teammates for protection the beastman steps over the line to score.
The pressure bought the Scramblers a little time to attempt a last touchdown, but rain has made the ball slippery and the pogoer is utterly unable to pick it off the ground. With open flanks due to depleted goblin numbers, the TLF mob the opposing line of scrimmage and try to inflict damage before the game ends, but nothing significant is forthcoming and as the final whistle blows the pogoer is still slipping around trying to grab the ball which remains defiantly on the ground.

[buzzmong]

Your troll is a bit of a liability isn't it?

[Joose]

Trolls are a bit of a liability aren't they?

Fix'd. Throw team mate is always a hell of a gamble though, which is why its mostly done with cheap, shitty and easily replaced mans.

[Dog Pants]

Trolls are a bit of a liability aren't they?

Fix'd. Throw team mate is always a hell of a gamble though, which is why its mostly done with cheap, shitty and easily replaced mans.

It's always a silly risk, but that's what goblins do. My opponent did name Eyeguff as his man of the match.

[Joose]

Speaking of silly risks, next season I am rebooting as Ogres. Dwarves are boring.

Which team name do you guys like best:

Maximum Ogredrive
Dey fink its all Ogre
The OgreEaters
Evil Ogrelords

Or some other stupid Ogre pun?

[fabyak]

Maximum Ogredrive is a good'un

[Mr. Johnson]

Maximum Ogredrive is a good'un