Blood Bowl: Life in the Leagues

[Joose]

Hehehe, Elves are squishy. Hehe. Hoo.

[Dog Pants]

Div A: Anupshi Rises (KHE, Dog Pants) 1 - 1 Cheese It! (SKA, Gorm)

The second game of Div A begins with long kick from the home team into the Cheese It deep left field. The rats waste no time in recovering it and positioning while pushing a vicious attack down both flanks. With a gap quickly opening a long sprint leaves the Skaven pressing the Khemri touchline and despite picking up a few markers the ball carrier crashes on to score with only a couple of minutes played.
When Cheese It kick off the drop the ball near, within reach of their nippy forward players, but the Khemri recover the ball and push forwards, injuring a rookie linerat as they go. Unperturbed, the Skaven wingers crash through the flanks again to harass the ball carrying Thro-Ra. In a supreme feat of dodging the Thro-Ra skips up towards the caging right fielders, towing a shadowing rat for half a dozen yards. Unfortunately for the plucky rat the other Anupshi Thro-Ra puts his extra strength to good use, clotheslining him and snapping his little ratty neck on the way past. The cage tightens under pressure and squeezes up the right field, but by this point the intensity of the fighting is taking its toll and when the Thro-Ra breaks for the line there is a steady line of escorting players and very few Skaven standing. The half ends with the Khemri trotting across the line to equalise.

Cheese It kick again to mid right where the star Thro-Ra of the previous half bungles the pickup and allows a slippery Gutter Runner to snatch it away. However, the sneaky rat doesn't quite make his escape and is tripped as he tries to dodge away. Both teams scramble for the loose ball, but Anupshi Rises have numerical superiority behind their own line and recover. Still in danger from blitzing rodents, the ball carrier makes for the safety of the Tomb Guardians on the line of scrimmage with rats in pursuit. The loose cage pushes forwards, but a downed linerat amongst it manages to take the carrier out as he gets up and the ball bounds back towards the rear of the melee where more Skaven are waiting. This time it is Cheese It's turn to fumble the pick-up, and the ball once more crosses the entire fight to end up on the other side amongst the attacking Khemri. With time running low the Thro-Ra grabs the ball and bolts for the line. Most of the Skaven are on the ground or off the pitch by this point, but one manages to make it back to mark the ball carrier. With the last seconds ticking away the Thro-Ra tries to go through, then around, the last rat, but is brought down and the referee blows the whistle on a well fought draw.

[Dog Pants]

Poor old Squirrel. His team took a real beating, both physically and in the scoreline. It's a shame because he has a strong team and some really nasty players, but with two injuries and a death, and not even a touchdown as consolation he was planning his retirement by the end of the game.

Div A: Anupshi Rises (KHE, Dog Pants) 2 - 0 Rock, Paper, Sneaky Git (ORC, Squirrelfanatic)

The fans roar in anticipation of a bloody game between these fighting teams, as Anupshi Rises make a short kick. Catching their opponents off guard, the Khemri lurch forwards to menace the ball before the Orcs can react. Rock, Paper, Sneaky Git rush to react but their thrower can't keep his hands on the ball, which bounds further from him. The Anupshi Thro-Ra is not far away, and seeing an opportunity grabs it and in an uncharacteristically dexterous play hands off to his colleague who dashes for the line. The Orc thrower tries to make amends by catching the hurrying Thro-Ra, but somewhere along the line the bony ball carrier has picked up some extra strength and pushes through for a record speed touchdown for Anupshi Rises.
Play begins again with ball falling near the centre line again, and the Orcs don't fall for the same kick twice. The thrower collects and passes across the pitch to a waiting blitzer behind the line of scrimmage. Meanwhile the orc line clears a path by giving their opponents a good pounding. The attackers cage up and drive right down the centre of the pitch through the smashed defences, but can't make it through in time before their opponents are on their feet again. The cage is burst and the ball changes hands a few times in the confusion, ending up in the hands of a Thro-Ra after he kills the unfortunate Orc thrower. As the ball carrier tears off the Orcs concentrate on the fight, knowing the lumbering corpse can't make the line in time. Unfortunately for them the only casualty of the scrap is their own goblin who picks up an injury.

The second half starts with a high pass to the waiting Thro-Ra, who is caged and driven up the left field. The Orcs squeeze, but the extra strength of the attackers smashes a gap along the line and the Thro-Ra squeezes through for another rapid touchdown.
Rock, Paper, Sneaky Git take the ball from the right field and cage against an aggressive defence, but lose the ball to a plucky blitz. They recover again, but by this point the fight is three deep on all sides and most of the half is taken by a brawl which takes up almost every player on both sides. Towards the end the ball comes loose and ricochets wildly, ending up with the Khemri on the right side for another run at the touchline, but with no time left for anything but a little more fighting.

[Dog Pants]

Man, that was a hard game. I fucking hate playing Lizards, I know how hard they are to play against from playing them a lot myself. Nuffle was not my friend in this game, failing block after block, however I did make some very lucky dodges. I think I did well to only concede one really. At any rate, I stay in tier 2, and that means that for the first time I could be drawn against Joose.

Div A: Anupshi Rises (KHE, Dog Pants) 0 - 1 Death Vengeance of Doom (LIZ, Wink5000)

The final game of the season for Div A could end in promotion for either team. It starts with a short kick to the Death Vengeance of Doom which falls short and bounces of the back of one of the defenders' heads. With a free pickup the ball is given to a Saurus and the Lizardmen waste no time in smashing into the Khemri line. The ball moves little for a few minutes, but two Anupshi players are taken off in the violent manoeuvring. As things being to mix up and the defenders thin out the Lizards suddenly thrust down the right field. A handful of Khemri get behind the ball to slow the advance but the ball carrier smashes free and doglegs across the pitch towards the touchline. A desperate, dodging response by a sparse couple of defenders somehow manages to knock the charging Saurus down, but can't stop the trailing Skink following up and stealing the ball from under their noses to saunter over the line.
The kick-off restarts the match too long this time and is given to a winging Tomb Guardian who smashes down the left flank, but faced with the ticking clock overextends and falls as he is squeezed against the line.

Death Vengeance of Doom kick again for the start of the second half, with the Anupshi star Thro-Ra getting under the ball for a first time catch. The attackers waste no time in charging up the weak right field en-masse and are three quarters of the way to the touchline before they lose their momentum. The ball carrier pushes free of the pack and makes a dash with a couple of escorts, but as defending Lizards close in a lightning bolt hurtles from the crowd and blasts him into unconsciousness. Both teams close in and the ball is knocked around in the brawl, eventually landing in the hands of the DVoD veteran Saurus. Deflecting all attacks as he grinds his way out of the scrum he breaks free and hurries back down the pitch for another attempt at scoring. A few Khemri near the back of the pack manage to mark him, and finally he is brought down by his own tail as he tries to outmanoeuvre his shambling opponents. A nearby Skink looks like he might get a last second snatch and dash, but it is not to be and the whistle blows with the ball lying free.

Coach Dog Pants stands before the Pharaowners, looking for all the world like a green-painted human with a false nose and a bad suit. As ridiculous as he feels, the dead eyes of his bosses don't seem to notice. The stuffy heat of the tomb stifles him and makes him sweat, and he knows that the green paint will be starting to run soon. The Pharaowners stare in silence for a while and he wonders if they've finally died properly, but the silence is broken by the singular statement "win more games". Taking that as a dismissal, Coach Dog Pants nervously sidles away.

[Joose]

This season has been markedly different to previous seasons. I'm hoping it is because of a combination of my getting better with my short folk and my short folk getting better. I certainly have a better grasp of what tactics work well for dwarves, and now nearly all my guys are at least lvl 2. I sea of dwarves with block, tackle and guard is a bitch of a thing to get around. That being said, it could just be luck: I was gifted with some super squishy teams to face off against this season. My game against the halflings was so messy I felt bad towards the end, and intentionally skipped a few turns opportunity to stick the boot in, both figuratively and literally. I've had games where I've got the majority of my opponents team off the pitch before, I've not had a game where more than half of my opponents team wont make it to the next game. I suppose if you go info blood bowl with a team mostly made out of frodos less tough cousins you have to expect a few losses. I killed his tree man.

Anyway, whatever the reason, I have gone from nearly always losing to this season being a clean sweep for me. The final game hasn't actually been played yet, but I'm far enough ahead that it doesn't matter. Tier 2 here I come!

I'm scared.

[Dog Pants]

The fixtures for the next season are in. I remain in Div A with a mix of bashy and finesse teams:

The Rakish Rodents - Ska (2000)
Skaven teams are hard to hold back but squishy, and this team bears the marks of a long campaign. The Rodents have been in the divisions longer than I have, but attrition has kept their experience down and there are only a couple of veteran players. Almost every rat on the team carries an injury, many two or even three, which many coaches would have cut. Whether coach iNinja knows something I (and most other coaches) don't, we'll see. Hopefully I'll inflict some injuries of my own and get some skill-ups before my next game.

Cute Harmless Hippys - Cha (2130)
This team were relegated from Div 1 last season, so they're good enough to get almost to the top. With an almost full roster of experienced players it's going to be a tough match. He doesn't have a lot of strength in his lineup, but there's so much claw/mighty blow on his front row that casualties are almost inevitable, and they're likely to be my Tomb Guardians. The rest of the team looks set up to play a fairly agile game, and of all the other teams in this division I'm likely to be the one who escapes with the least harm.

Read in Tooth and Claw - Nec
I can't find this team in-game at the moment, but I've seen them around for a long time so I'm expecting something tricky. Nec teams are reasonably fast with a few tough players in support, so this will hinge on stopping his Ghouls.

Joose has a Chaos heavy division C ahead, so fortunate for him he's a tough team to hurt.

Primordial Stew - Nur
I can't find the stats on this team yet, but I can't recall seeing them around much so hopefully they're a fairly new team. Nurgle can suffer in early campaigns - their linemen are weak and their specialists are fairly low skilled. The disruptive skills they come with are more of a problem for finesse teams, so Joose's straight up punching game should prove fairly effective here. Having said that, I lost two Tomb Guardians to a (admittedly very experienced) Nurgle team.

The London Silly Nannies - Cha (1380)
This is a bare bones team still in development. They're still a Chaos Warrior short for the lineup, and have no subs. Skills across the board seem to be almost random, with the exception of a Minotaur being specced up as a killer in the making, and a decent ball carrying Beastman. Everything about this team screams inexperience to me, but the real proof will be on the field.

Doomdark's Revenge - Cha (1690)
I've played Everblue's Chaos team myself, and while on paper they don't look to have any shining players with most experience going into staple skills like block, Everblue is a very good coach who plays the game a lot. Expect solid play and a tough match.

[Dog Pants]

Joose! Apply to Div C.

[Joose]

Derrr. I went on holiday instead. Ah well, im going to be away from home a lot the next few weeks, so it'll be easier to skip a season.

[Dog Pants]

Might be worth sticking a post on the DoD thread just to let them know you're still interested, out of courtesy.

[Joose]

Yup, already done that.

[Dog Pants]

A good start to my second season in Div A. I played a deliberately violent game, targeting the low AV players in order to cause as much destruction as I could, and luck was on my side. INinja was magnanimous in violent defeat to his credit, and maintained a friendly game despite some crushing bad luck and five serious injuries.

Div A: The Rakish Rodents (SKA, iNinja132) 0 - 2 Anupshi Rises (KHE, Dog Pants)

The first match of the season for Div A begins with a high kick by the Rakish Rodents, ably caught by the Anupshi Rises star Thro-Ra. The Skaven formation is centre-heavy, and the attackers bump the lone winger rat to one side and push up the right flank. The spine of the Skaven formation races into action with the Rat Ogre moving ahead of the offensive, only to be KOd as the Khemri push onwards. The rats get behind the ball to form a defence, but an injury and another KO start to take its toll as the fighting offensive rolls on. By the time the cage has ground to within scoring distance the Rakish Rodents have lost another three to injury, KO and the crowd. Seven players down, badly mauled, and with the Thro-Ra within skipping distance of the line, a plucky Gutter Runner makes a charge along the touchline to intercept. He gets to the ball carrier face first, however, after he encounters one too many mummified limbs, and the Thro-Ra bounces the ball off his prone body to score.
With a little time left in the half the Rakish Rodents make a brave attempt at a rapid pass and run, pushing a pair of receivers deep into the Anupshi Rises half. Heavy marking by the Khemri can't bring the rats down, but despite a perfect pass there is just too much interference for the ball to be caught and the half ends with the ball on the ground.

The second half begins with only nine Skaven on the pitch, despite all KOs recovering. Anupshi Rises kick too short and gift the ball to a rearward thrower, while forward Rodents pour through the defences. The runners are marked but the defensive line is stretched all down the pitch as the Skaven spread out. The thrower makes the most of the loose defence and hurtles forwards for a defensive half pass, but again the perfect pass is not received due to too many markers. Left out of position the Rodents suffer violence at the hands of the Khemri who KO two and injure another before recovering the ball. The numerically superior Anupshi move forwards relatively quickly as they use the space in their own half to form a strong cage, but as they cross the half way line the surviving Skaven start to compress the formation. The attack slows down, and from behind the previously prone Rat Ogre springs to life and starts crashing through the cage in a frenzy, shoving Khemri in every direction. Chaos ensues as the beast continues to rampage, despite five opponents trying to slow him down, and in the distraction a couple of Rodents duck into the cage to blitz the ball free from the tougher of the Thro-Ras. A Gutter Runner suffers an unfortunate trip as he tries to capitalise on the loose ball, allowing the Khemri who lost it to take it back. With only five players left on the field there simply aren't enough Rodents left to hold back the assault after the scramble, and with the Rat Ogre still smashing into the Khemri rearguard the ball is moved forwards. The lumbering creature is brought down, a recovering linerat is intercepted and smashed by the numerous escorts, and the Thro-Ra scores with no Skaven players standing. With a few seconds left the scant survivors of the Rakish Rodents try to recover some dignity with an exhibition pass, which true to form of the rest of the match, Nuffle ensures is again dropped. The Anupshi Rises line prepares to smash as many rats as possible in the dying seconds, but the ref takes pity and blows the whistle before they get chance.

[Dog Pants]

No update in a while because my opponent cancelled the game, and Christmas etc. So my match against Jarvis's Chaos team was defaulted to a 0-0 draw. I might have had a win, since he cancelled, but it was due to illness so it was considered fairer that way, and I have no problem with that. It doesn't affect the league anyway as it happens - a win against NieA7 will see me promoted to the heady heights of the two numbered leagues, which felcher into the Championship. I'm not sure I want that though, it sounds dangerous. At any rate, my next opponent's Necromantics are veterans - they were this high in the leagues when I started a year ago. They might have taken a battering because of that, but their position at the top of the division would suggest otherwise. I think the only thing I have going for me is that he's nervous about playing a Khemri team and me beating all his players up. Not something I actually do very often. Hopefully we'll get the game played this week some time.

[Dog Pants]

I survived another season in tier 2, and held my own well. I'd call that a good results. My final game was predictably hard, but I think it was well fought and it was fun to play.

Div A: Anupshi Rises (KHE, Dog Pants) 0 - 2 Read in Tooth and Claw (NEC, NieA7)

The final game of Div A begins with Read in Tooth and Claw kicking a long ball right to the Anupshi Rises touchline, and following it with a Blitz. Before the offence can move a Tomb Guardian is knocked out, and the Khemri are still scrabbling for the ball when a speeding Werewolf arrives. The Wolf is taken out for his efforts and Anupshi finally pick up the ball to move forward up the right field. The early Necromantic drive has left them well forward, and the ball carrying Thro-Ra is immediately pressured by a Werewolf and a Wight. A skeleton tries to defend him, is pushed aside and the Thro-Ra sacked so hard that he is carted off the pitch. With most of the offence still in their starting positions the Werewolf snatches the ball and charges in for an early touchdown.
Another kickoff, another Thro-Ra fumble on pickup. This time the line holds though, and the ball is carried up the centre of the pitch where Tomb Guardians are pushing the defenders back. As the defensive line solidifies around halfway to the touch line the Thro-Ra with the ball makes an impetuous dodge through a gap in the weaker left and dashes for the line with little time to spare. His teammates are unable to match the most un-Khemri-like feat though, and a Ghoul/Werewolf combo stop him short just before the half ends.

After the break Anupshi rises kick, dropping the ball short and right where a Ghoul positions himself to catch it. The rest of Read in Tooth and Claw push hard down their right side and as a salient appears the ball carrier makes a dash for the cage it forms. He trips as he arrives, and the concentration of players causes the area to immediately erupt into a brawl over the loose ball. Unsurprisingly the Khemri flatten every Necromantic in the immediate area. A Thro-Ra takes the ball and flees the melee, heading for the RTC touchline and leaving both teams in his own half. A single Ghoul attempts an intercept, but the point is scored.
Time is running short and both teams want to break the tie. Another short kick lands just behind the Necromantic line, but in a similar start to the last play they recover it quickly and push hard down their right. The Ghoul on the ball is rushed by a forward Tomb Guardian, but he easily slips away to launch a perfect mid-range pass to his companion, who runs in a very fast touchdown.
With a little time left the teams while away the last minute or two with some traditional fighting.

Coach Dog Pants enters the stuffy tomb of the Pharaowners once more. Despite a satisfactory performance, the claustrophobic heat and rancid air make him nervous, and he wishes the dead appreciated air conditioning as much as he did. Upon entering the board tomb he mops the sweat from his brow, and only when his hand and arm come away green does he realise his mistake. The Pharaowners have so far not noticed that he switched places with that Goblin to avoid a grizzly fate, but his green face paint and fake nose can't fool them any longer. Coach Dog Pants starts to edge towards the exit as one of the desiccated kings holds up a claw like hand. A crackly, dusty voice issues forth the words "send more goblins", and the Coach is dismissed.

[Dog Pants]

The season ended pretty quickly with the other game in the division being adminned, so I don't know how the positions were at the end but I'm pretty sure I came second. Which means another season in tier 2 and a new division of... A again! That's three times in a row. Hardcore. This time I'm up against JayTee's Khemri Dead Comics Society, who I played to a 1-1 draw about four seasons ago (first time I was in Div A), Screwie's Delf Dread Pool, and LowKey with The Splinters Rejects - one of the new Chaos Edition teams, Underworld. All three coaches are veterans, and although LowKey's team isn't they have been promoted every season they've played. The next three games are going to be hard.

Joose is also back in tier 2 after he was banned for a season for touching the admin's special place. His Dwarves are up against GroovyChainsaw, the aforementioned admin, and his Human 4 Colour Villains, INinja43's Rakish Rodents, the Skaven team I beat up last season, and Leftfield010's Pro Elf Silverdale Swifthawks, who are a completely unknown quantity to me, so are presumably fairly new. This might not look too bad for Joose, but those Skaven can run through a fighty team's defence like thin canteen soup through a spork, and if the Elves have been promoted fast enough for me not to notice them in the leagues then it could be because Leftfield is a good coach.

[Joose]

Im hopeful I'll be able to deal with the elvses and skavens. Nearly my entire team now has tackle and guard, and my interceptor type fellas have diving tackle to boot. Im a dodge based teams nightmare.

Im more worried about the humans. I deal less well with balanced, flexible teams and that is Humans all over.

[Dog Pants]

A strange game tonight against another Khemri team. JayTee was a chatty and amusing opponent though, and only bad luck robbed him of a 2-0 win. Still, I'll take that.

Div A: The Dead Comics Society (KHE, JayTee) 1 - 1 Anupshi Rises (KHE, Dog Pants)

Division A's Khemri on Khemri opener promised to be a slow and violent affair, and didn't disappoint. The home team kick off with the opposing Thro-Ra catching the ball off before it lands. Anupshi Rises cage up towards the centre of the pitch and start to push, and the Dead Comics Society wrap around the formation. The ball huddle starts to slide right as the defenders start to squeeze and with no room to move the ball carrier sees a gap and breaks for it. He doesn't get far, and the ball comes loose among the melee. Despite two of the Dead Comics Society leaving the pitch in the ensuing violence they manage to make enough space around the ball for a Blitz Ra to recover then dash the ball towards the Anupshi touchline. Despite a couple of last ditch attempts to catch the runner he crosses the line to put the Dead Comics Society one up.

The second half starts with a blitz by Anupshi Rises, who hit the right hand side of the pitch to clear a path. Despite the early attack, the receiving Dead Comics Society push back on the same side with a solid cage and take back any lost ground. The two teams then grind down much of the half in a head-on push which finally breaks when the Dead Comics Society push forwards a few yards and lose two players in the offensive. The ball carrying Thro-Ra, with a suddenly smaller escort, breaks for the line and puts a lot of ground between him and the brawl courtesy of an astonishing dodge and blitz charge. One Anupshi skeleton barely manages to get a tackle zone on him as the fight takes another Dead Comics Society casualty - a dead Tomb Guardian - but it is enough to cause the charging Thro-Ra to stumble. Mere minutes remain on the clock, when suddenly the direction of the game changes. The loose ball lands beyond the sideline, and eventually is thrown back well into the Dead Comics Society half. Nearest the ball is an unusually agile Anupshi Rises skeleton, and the rest of his team begin to pummel any opponents who might pose a threat as he picks it up and runs. A couple of potential interceptors are cruelly nuffled as they stretch to catch the shambling ball carrier, and the equaliser is scored. The game ends in a short but good natured fight, as is tradition.

[Dog Pants]

A game of flying objects tonight. Bombs, goblins, and even the ball, were seen sailing over the pitch. Unfortunately for LowKey he was stung by playing a higher TV bashy team, as well as some bad luck, and ended the game with five injuries.

Div A: The Splinters Rejects (UW, LowKey) 1 - 2 Anupshi Rises (KHE, Dog Pants)

The Splinters Rejects hideous mutant caged rat thing cheerleader steals the show as the game begins with a home team kick off. Anupshi Rises recover the ball and push up the centre of the pitch to be met by a bomb tossed by the Rejects' hired Star Player. Nobody is more astonished than the Tomb Guardian who intercepts it, and the bomb explodes in his hands as he tries to work out what to do next, temporarily removing him from the pitch. The Rejects exploit the hole in the defences to rush forward with the troll and several skaven to harass the ball carrier, but the Thro-Ra escapes and switches across the pitch to hand off to his colleague. The second Thro-Ra rushes up the left field with a few teammates, most of the Underworld players still bunched up around the centre line. The Rejects' bomber lobs another explosive at the charging Thro-Ra, who deftly returns it to a nearby skaven despite having one hand full with the ball. A quick hand-off later and the ball is being shuttled lineward by the more hardy Blitz-Ra. A lone goblin gets line side of him, but he is put into the injury box for his temerity and the Blitzer runs on to score.
The Splinters Rejects begin their offensive with another lobbed bomb which again takes a Tomb Guardian off the pitch. Shortly after, however, his luck runs out as yet another interception puts the bomb back at his feet. The squishy goblin's body is less resistant to explosives than the skeletal Khemri, and to the cries of an ice-cream seller he is carried off to the injury box. The ball, meanwhile, is carried forward to a goblin who is launched over the defensive line to a penetrating colleague, but unfortunately lands on his face. The ball is recovered by a lurking Thro-Ra who, with time running short, makes a medium pass to his colleague. The other Thro-Ra dashes lineward, and a pair of intercepting goblins look like they might halt him at the last minute, but a combination of their own misfortune and a bony fist to the nose leaves them both on the ground and the Khemri 2-0 up just before half time.

Anupshi Rises kick off the pitch to allow the Rejects to push hard on the right. The defence wraps around the aggressive offensive, and the ball is passed over them to a dodging goblin who has made space for himself in the opposing half. His possession is short lived though, being immediately sacked by a Blitz-Ra. The defenders push the Underworld players away from the ball as the Khemri struggle to pick it up, when a fireball erupts from the crowd and flattens most of them. This is all the opportunity needed to rush a Blitzer to the end zone, and an impressive long pass later the Splinters Rejects pull a point back.
A little time is left to play, and the Anupshi Thro-Ra doesn't help his team by failing to pick up the ball again. A nearby goblin takes the chance instead and returns with it to his own lines, and a fight breaks out behind him which claims a player on each side. Spotting the Tomb Guardian shaped hole in the defences, the goblin hands the ball to a Thrower who dashes down the right. The Khemri deep defence pays off again though, sacking the Thrower and recovering with a skeleton. However, there are more Underworld bearing down on the ball, still deep in the Khemri half, and despite the entire Underworld team being on the ground or off the pitch at once stage, they still threaten a recovery. The referee proves to be their undoing in the end, and the whistle blows before either side can make anything of the situation.

[buzzmong]

That's a lot of bombs for a single game, and five injures? You'll have stuffed his season right up there Pantsu.

[Dog Pants]

I think only one or two will carry through, the rest were just Badly Hurts.

[Dog Pants]

That was an extremely hard game. Trying to stop the Dark Elves was like eating soup with a fork, and the lone level 5 Witch Elf was virtually unstoppable no matter how many players I put on her. Looking at the match report though I can see that it was my own mistakes as much as Screwie's impeccable exploitation that led to this scoreline. By half time I was dejected, but when it became obvious I wouldn't win I started to enjoy it a lot for what it was, which was pretty much a slapstick comedy.

Div A: Dread Pool (DElf, Screwie) 4 - 0 Anupshi Rises (KHE, Dog Pants)

The pitch is sweltering for the Div A promotion decider, so hot that even the Khemri are sweating. Dread Pool seem unfazed as they receive the kick off, and their champion Witch Elf springs forward to send a Blitz-Ra crowd surfing before the defenders even react. Meanwhile at the back of the formation things are going less well as the ball pick-up is fumbled during a hand-off. The Witch Elf continues her assault on the right flank, and a skeleton joins his colleague among the crowd. Now behind the Anupshi Rises lines, a burly Thro-Ra moves to mark her and maybe intercept or disrupt the inevitable pass. Maybe he puts the play off though, as the ball carrier runs forward instead with a decent cage, through the devastation left by the Witch Elf. By now some of the defending Khemri have lurched across the pitch to try to stem the tide of Dark Elves pouring through the line, but they can't make enough of a presence and the Dread Pool ball carrier saunters over the line, knocking the Thro-Ra off the side of the pitch on his way past.
The heat has taken minor casualties on both sides as the ball is kicked back to Anupshi Rises. Dread Pool make an aggressive drive down the left flank, forcing the attackers the other way and pivoting the line of battle. As the Dark Elves cluster for assists against the Tomb Guardian cage the ball carrier and his retinue make for a gap in the centre. The cage can't keep out enough of the spritely Dark Elves though, and the Thro-Ra falls to a shadowing Witch Elf as he tries to break out. The ball is recovered by one of the Dread Pool and quickly shuttled around the knot of players and down the pitch to a lurking receiver who trots in a second touchdown.
The remaining half is spent doing party tricks, with the Dread Pool knocking a Blitz-Ra out while the ref delayed, and an Anupshi skeleton completing a pass.

The heat continues into the second half, stripping the Dark Elves of some fighting prowess and the Khemri of their only decent ball carrier. A nimble skeleton takes the challenge and recovers the ball, but he is found by the Witch Elf who hits him like a guided missile from across the pitch, despite having been recently flattened by a flying Tomb Guardian. He escapes with the ball briefly, but can't stay out of the grasp of the Witch for long with half his team on the other side of the field. He is sacked, and the ball is spilled directly into the hands of the Witch's Blitzer assistant. A lightning bolt from the crowd takes the decision from him as to whether to pass or not, the ball settling in the hands of the ubiquitous Witch Elf. By this point enough of the Khemri have made it across the pitch to put four makers on her, but she skips away and hands off to a teammate who strolls in a third touchdown.
The heat finally subsides, but not before taking out a Tomb Guardian and leaving the Dark Elves unscathed. The ball is kicked wide of the pitch and given to a Tomb Guardian in a desperate attempt to score at least one touchdown, who lurches off up the field in the hope of making the line by sheer horse before the game ends. He and his retinue are soon surrounded, and the game develops into a scrum. After some fighting the ball is knocked free and lands on the Dread Pool side of the knot. The ball is run back down the pitch to be thrown to a loose Blitzer, but he fumbles the catch. Dark Elves are quickly on the dead ball, but before it can be recovered a Khemri intervention at full stretch manages to knock the would-be catcher into the ball and it slips off the pitch. Relief is short lived for the now defenders though, as the ball is returned near the Anupshi touch line and with no players of either side anywhere close. Now fully ignoring the ball, the Khemri concentrate on fighting, and the Dark Elves get into the spirit of it and join in, but still jog in a final touchdown for good measure as the whistle blows.

The stuffy board tomb feels almost cool compared to the heat of the final match, which had succeeded in felling even thousand-year-old corpses. It was of little comfort to Coach Dog Pants, however. The Pharaowners were not known for leniency in the face of defeat. "Look, we did pretty well until today" the coach protested, but the shrivelled former kings seemed unconcerned. As far as he could tell on their expressionless faces at any rate. They had only one thing to say before he retired back to the light and heat of the desert; "Not Division A. Again. "